graceomallet

I must be eating too much sugar or something, because yellowjackets have been nibbling on me today. Fortunately, they were small nibbles and not very painful.

In celebration of being a tasty meat snack, I bring you Eddie Izzard, from "Unrepeatable", courtesy of Cake or Death: An Eddie Izzard Site.

And because my logic is not like your Earth logic, today's Eddie Topic is Star Trek.

"Spock was there, he had this big cylindrical bag… sort of computer screen that he was looking into, saying things to Captain Kirk: “Captain Kirk, we’re going to die in .28 seconds. Oh, should I have told you that earlier? Sorry about that!” And he’d put Twix and stuff neatly down, then he would just sneak in and… (mimes eating in hiding) And Uhura over here, in the swivel chair, going,

“Mr. Spock is eating a Twix! He’s eating Twix!”

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up! (sternly, as Spock) Shut the fuck up, Uhura!”

He couldn’t get overemotional, Spock; no matter- all the actors should have just stomped on his foot, while shooting the scene, because he couldn’t go, “Fuck off!” He’d have to go (mimes restraining himself) “Captain, I’m very annoyed with Uhura.” (mimes threats) Or pour black soot over that oval computer screen he’s always looking at. “Oh, God, I’ve got this stuff all over my face! I gotta… (restraining himself) I am not happy…”

And there was Uhura, and she had fingers; it was always different fingers. “Captain, it’s Starfleet Command on finger three.” (swiveling around in chair and switching fingers) “It’s the Klingons on finger two, Captain. It’s your Mom on finger four.”

And Spock- no, Kirk, Captain Kirk, in the big swiveling chair, he’d keep records, press a button and go, “Captain’s log – Supplemental Bidoo-bidoo-bidoo, that’s all.” He’d sign a lot of clipboards all day – “Thank you very much, clipboard… ‘To Cliff from Captain Kirk’ Well done…”

And there’s Chekov and Sulu, down the front, both driving, they both had steering wheels! Too many steering wheels… but you never saw them in the morning, when they came in to the starship Enterprise, going, “Oh, get the engine on, Chekov! It’s fucking freezing in here! Boy!” (mimes starting up ship) You also never saw them backing up either, Chekov going… (mimes backing up) “Captain Kirk, put your head down a bit.”

Scotty- the actor playing Scotty, he must have hated the scripts! Every week, the same sort of script-thing. “Oh, not again! Not the same script, for fuck’s sake! ‘No, Captain. I cannot do that, Captain. I have no ability to do that, Captain. What speed you wish for, Captain? No, I cannot provide that at this time. No, you’ll never guess; it’s the engine. No, it’s the carburetor that’s gone this time. No way, who’s there? The cat’s eaten the Delethian Crystals, you see, and it’s coughing up fur balls, and…” He could never do anything! There was Kirk going, “Scotty, we need to go back to 9 in five seconds, or we’re toast!” And he goes, “I can give you 30 miles an hour in a week, Captain, how about that?”

And there was Dr. McCoy, a doctor so dramatic- so overly dramatic! Down at the surgery, going, (overacting) “Jim! Jim! Christ, Jim! Jim, it’s me, “Bones,” Jim! Me! McCoy! How long have I known you? Jim! Me! Spock! Christ, Spock! Man! Jim! Spock! Me, “Bones”! “Bones”! Me! Spock! Christ! This boy is dying of lurgey! Lurgey, Jim, lurgey! Five lurgeys, two of them I’ve never heard of! Christ, Spock! Jim! How long have I known you, Spock? Jim’s known this boy… Christ! Jim, Spock, me, Christ… I have to remove his brain, his liver, his lungs, and his spleen, and I have to do it with a torch as well…” (mimes using torch) They always do that torch thing…

Then they would all get bored. “Let’s beam down somewhere! Last one down the energizer room is a wanker!” (mimes rushing to energizer room) And you knew, if all the name cast were beaming down, they were coming back; that’s how it was. But if there was a new bloke beaming down with them… (mimes subtly pointing at the new guy) “Who’s he? You got really worried about the new bloke, especially if he was wearing a red jumper…"